Bounce

It's crazy how something you didn't appreciate, or even hated, can be something you regret taking for granted. As an older sister of two beautiful, blossoming siblings this is something I have come to understand. I love them more than anything, and always have. Of course, with me being 7 years older than my brother, and 10 years older than my sister, our interests rarely coincided. Looking back, there were times that I might have acted a little too cool for them in the past. You know, too "old" for all they asked me to join in. We have our futures ahead of us, but I already have a few regrets regarding our relationships.

My brothers birthday was yesterday. He has a birthday every couple of years that makes me realize he'll be all grown up one day, and those always make me the most emotional. The first was when I realized he wasn't a baby anymore, but a little individual. I had to share a room with my brother in the apartment we lived in before my sister, and I was less than pleased. He always had his baby toys mixed in with my toys. It's so petty in hindsight, but  I'll never forget how much that bothered me then. Mostly because of a distinct memory of the time it bothered me most. I got so aggravated with him playing while I was busy doing something else. He was still so little, but just learned to walk. Frustrated with his toys and playing, I picked him up and put him outside the door and closed it in his face. I felt guilty the minute I did it, so much that I'll never forget the feeling. I opened the door a few seconds later and saw him sitting their, sad and rejected. It one of the first times I remember being sorry and aggravated all at once. I always associate this guilt with my brother getting older, because soon after the toy incident, my brother turned into a child right before my eyes. I remember thinking, "Now I'll never get to blocks with him again.", and I still miss those blocks. The same blocks that I really hated at the time. 

This birthday my brother turned fourteen. Needles to say, this is the oldest he's ever been and it's scary. He's much bigger than I am and entering high school in August. He's going to have to face ignorant teachers, stupid kids, and drugs. I hate the thought of him facing real life decisions in adult situations. I hope he makes the best decisions possible, but I can only hope. 

With his birthday being yesterday, and him entering high school, I felt the pinch of guilt I remember from so long again  today. With him being 14 now we do have common interests a d great times. He's honestly one of my best friends, and I hope he always will be. That doesn't mean he doesn't occasionally bother me with situations similar to the toys. When my brother stopped playing with dinosaurs and blocks, our family was re-introduced to the basketball. I love his passion for basketball and fully support it. Although, the sound of him bouncing the basketball in the living room is far from relaxing. Normally, I complain and ask him to stop, but not today. Like I said, today I felt that guilt. I realized how similar the situation was to the past, and decided against it. In that moment it occurred to me, I would miss the basketball. Just like I missed the blocks in my room, I'm going to miss the basketball in my living room. I'm going to miss the sound of my little brother being just that, my little brother. One day I won't have a room down the hall from his room, and I'm going to really miss it. 

All of these thoughts and emotions were being fueled by the sound of the bouncing ball outside my room. In that moment, I loved the sound I usually hated. I welcomed it, and I let it control my thoughts. It led me to understand the true significance of appreciating the moment. As the ball still bounces, I take it all in. Living in this moment I feel my brothers love for basketball, and my love him. 

The next time I'm feeling aggravated, I hope that pinch of guilt reminds me to appreciate my brother for what he is right now, and not be bothered my the little things. The little things are what life is made up of, but the sad truth is we usually don't realize that until it's over. We never realize that one day we will greatly miss the things we take for granted. In this fleeting life we have to appreciate what we have when we have it, and that's a gift in itself.